I thought this would be something interesting to share with my readers - Feel free to leave me a comment below telling me what you think about each of these books!
WOW! Blog Tour - Guest Post by Cami Ostman "Remaking Yourself After Divorce"
Thank you WOW! Women on Writing for introducing me to the amazingly
talented Cami Ostman who recently published a very interested anthology.
But let's not get ahead of ourselves...First, let's read Cami's guest
post:
Remaking Yourself After Divorce
Nothing
can knock you off your foundation like a divorce. When people stand in
front of their beloved on their wedding day and promise to love and
honor forever, they don't have impending plans to separate down the
road—but they know that divorce is a possibility.
For
me, when I got married at twenty-three (a virgin who had saved herself
for God's right man), I not only committed to doing the best I could by
my marriage, but I also believed that to leave it would be a sin, an
affront against the Almighty One who was in charge of my eternal soul
and who had ordained marriage so that each man could have a helpmate.
Coming to a decision to leave my marriage meant changing my
understanding of God first. Thus, when I divorced my first husband, I
had to divorce God in a sense, too.
By
the time I was in a headspace that would allow me to leave an unhappy
relationship (to a kind man, I hasten to say—I want to be clear that the
need to leave was mine), I had unpacked a trunk full of narratives
about who God wanted me to be and had thrown out most of what I'd found
inside of that trunk. But since I'd based my entire self-image on
Someone Else's agenda and oriented my identity around marriage, my story
about me was blank, waiting to be rewritten.
Most
people, when they divorce, may not face such a dramatic and total
re-writing of self, but everyone has to revise their identity to some
degree. So how does
a person remake, recover, and revise after a divorce? I was lucky in
that I'd been working as a marriage and family therapist for a few years
before I went through my own divorce and had had the benefit of
watching many clients sort through this question—some effectively, some
not so much. Here's what I learned and what ultimately helped me move
forward:
1.
Gather around you a group of flexible friends that has the capacity to
watch you change. They should be people who are not invested in you
staying the same or being who you've always been. Some of my friends
couldn't do that, and at least two of them shunned me. But I had about
four good friends who took a "wait and see" stance, who showed up to
support me in my grief and let me make statements about myself ("I think
I'm someone who likes to take big risks!") which ultimately ended up to
NOT be true. These people are a safety net. They give a very precious
gift: stability. They stand still while you bounce around. They don't
buy into everything you say, but they DO let you say it without
countering it because they understand that you don't have your sea legs
yet. If you are in the midst of a divorce and you don't have such
friends, please do yourself a favor and find a good therapist who can
play this role for you.
2.
Have faith. I know this may sound odd coming from someone who lost her
faith during her divorce, but I only lost my faith in SOME things. I
developed a great deal of faith in one or two others. For example, I
learned to trust time. Almost nothing you fear is true about yourself in
the midst of divorce (I'm useless/I'll be alone forever/I must be
terrible for leaving) will last forever. Indeed, some fears last a very,
very long time and need a great deal of attention to overcome, but
they still won't stick around forever. Whenever possible, remember this.
And move forward as if it is true.
I
also learned to trust experimentation. Try a new color on your wall.
Cut off your hair. Go dancing. Small acts—doing things you wouldn't
"normally" do—give you information about yourself and stretch you just a
bit. Your experiments don't have to be drastic. Try ignoring when your
ex-spouse pushes your buttons if that's different from your usual
response. Then notice how it feels. Does it make you feel more powerful
and in charge? Or less? Take that information in and decide what to do
with it. What I've noticed when watching clients go through divorce is
that the more paralyzed they are by their devastation, the more likely
they are to get themselves into another relationship pickle again—soon.
Fear invites us to look for something familiar, while undertaking small,
self-exploring experiments opens up space for new behaviors and a new
self-image to emerge.
3.
Finally, be gentle. Remaking yourself is a messy process. In the midst
of divorce you are confused. Your family is confused. Things will be
messy as you try on the new you. Forgive yourself and others for
bumbling through this year or two. It took me two full years to feel
comfortable in my own skin. A common rule of thumb is that for every
year you were married, you'll need a month to recuperate from a divorce.
I was only married to my ex-husband for eleven years, but I'd been with
God for two decades. When we get divorced, we're changing more than our
marital status, so be gracious with yourself if re-inventing yourself
is taking longer than you thought it would.
These
are my brief reflections, and I know that every journey is a little
different. For those of you facing the difficult time divorce presents,
may you breathe your way through and trust that you will make it,
emerging on the other side as a more mature, more evolved version of
you.
And now...a little more about Cami's book:
Book Hashtag: #SLWExtreme
Beyond Belief addresses what happens when women of
extreme religions decide to walk away. Editors Susan Tive (a former Orthodox
Jew) and Cami Ostman (a de-converted fundamentalist born-again Christian) have
compiled a collection of powerful personal stories written by women of varying
ages, races, and religious backgrounds who share one commonality: they’ve all
experienced and rejected extreme religions.
Covering a wide range of religious communities—including Evangelical, Catholic,
Jewish, Mormon, Muslim, Calvinist, Moonie, and Jehovah’s Witness—and containing
contributions from authors like Julia Scheeres (Jesus Land), the stories
in Beyond Belief reveal how these women became involved, what their
lives were like, and why they came to the decision to eventually abandon their
faiths. The authors shed a bright light on the rigid expectations and misogyny
so often built into religious orthodoxy, yet they also explain the lure—why so
many women are attracted to these lifestyles, what they find that’s beautiful
about living a religious life, and why leaving can be not only very difficult
but also bittersweet.
About the Authors of Beyond Belief: The Secret Lives of Women in Extreme Religions
Cami
Ostman is an author, editor, life coach and a licensed marriage and
family therapist with publications in her field. She blogs at
7marathons7continents.com and on the psychologytoday.com blogger team.
She has appeared in several publications, including O, The Oprah
Magazine, Fitness Magazine, Adventures Northwest, the Mudgee Guardian in
Australia, and La Prensa in Chile. Cami is a runner and a dog lover who
lives in Bellingham, Washington.
As
a writer, editor, and researcher, Susan has worked on a variety of
academic articles exploring psychology, feminism and religion. Susan's
interest in these subjects led her to become an editor for several
non-fiction titles including Faith and Feminism and Rachel's Bag.
I received free the item(s) mentioned in this post in exchange for my honest review. Regardless ~ All my reviews are my honest and personal opinion and are not influenced nor reviewed by the sponsor prior to posting.For more info, see my FTC disclosure or Review Policy.
